TIPS FOR MALES CARING FOR FEMALE RELATIVES
 
We too often assume that it’s always female carers who look after relatives with dementia but that’s not necessarily true. In many families it may be sons who look after their mothers or husbands who look after their wives and this brings particular challenges, not least in terms of how society views this.
 
Somehow it’s acceptable in society for a daughter to care for a father, and, if there is no funding from a Local Authority for this, may mean that all personal care is undertaken by the daughter. Although people may feel uncomfortable with this, it’s accepted.
 
I have spoken to male carers who look after female relatives and they tell me it’s often very difficult for them to ask for advice around personal care because people are very uncomfortable with this aspect of the carer’s role and it’s not always easy to find tips and guidance online.
 
This guidance has been put together to address some of the challenges, with the assistance of some male carers. You will also find guidance on the page on Personal Care.

Dressing
 
Does my relative have to wear a bra? I find it very difficult to put one on for her.
 
Bras are worn for support and comfort. It is very rare for there to be a medical reason why someone needs to wear a bra and if you have been given this advice it may be useful to clarify why this advice has been given and whether it's really worth the struggle for your relative.  It's worth saying that many women never wear a bra - vests and camisoles can give adequate support to many women. 

If your relative needs support there are other options. For example, you can buy tops, vests and camisoles, some of which have inbuilt support – a sort of “shelf” inside on which the breasts sit. This may be easier to fit on your relative. Alternatively you can also find stretchy tops and vests which may fit snugly on the chest and give adequate support to your relative. These are widely available – Marks and Spencers for example, have a wide range of these.
 
Does my relative have to wear tights? I find it very difficult to put these on for her?
 
Tights aren’t needed under trousers – socks are fine. You can also find some socks which are made of tights material and only come up to the knee – these are usually called “ankle high tights” and you can buy them in supermarkets in the tights section, they usually come in packs of three pairs or so. Alternatively you can buy the same thing, but called “knee high”
 
If your relative usually wears a long skirt, these knee high tights may be high enough so that it looks as though she is wearing conventional tights. However, if this doesn’t work, you could try using a stocking aid to help with fitting the tights. Here are a couple of examples

Please note:   there may be medical reasons to not use tights or make-up and that in the event of swelling, rashes, tissue viability issues or other patient discomfort it would be better to ask a medic / dementia adviser before using cosmetics, binding clothes

With thanks to @Beeeze for the picture above.

Hair and Make up
 
If your relative has always enjoyed having her hair done, wearing make up or having her nails painted and you struggle to support her with this, there may be help available to you. If your relative is able to visit a hairdresser, you may be able to help them understand that her needs have changed. If she doesn’t like to have her hair washed, it may be possible for you to do that for her at home and then to take her to the hairdresser where they can do the styling. Many hairdressers would be very happy to help with this and, if the stylist doesn’t feel up to the job there may be another who would be happy to support you with this. Many local colleges who run beauty courses may be able to offer styling from a trainee, with support from a tutor so this may also be worth looking at.
 
If none of this works, there are lots of guides on youtube to show you how to style someone’s hair. One gentleman I know has asked via Freecycle for a set of heated rollers so that he can style his wife’s hair at home, for example.
 
In terms of make up, a slick of lipstick is easy to apply and may make all the difference to your relative. My mum has given up with all the other make up but as long as she’s wearing a splash of lippy, she’s happy!
 
When it comes to painting nails, it’s much easier to do than you may think. Often people with dementia really enjoy having a hand massage, with some scented hand cream and this could also include painting nails. Local nail bars may be an option if you can afford this and there are types of nail varnish which are very hard wearing and will stay pristine for a few weeks, so if your budget is up to this or if family members want to contribute, maybe as part of a birthday or Mother’s Day gift, it may be a great investment.
 
Alternatively, younger female relatives may be very happy to help with hair and make up – if you don’t ask them, they probably wouldn’t think of offering, so please do ask!
 
Jewellery
 
Clip on earrings may be easier to fit than those for pierced ears. If your relative loses jewellery it may be time to consider replacing loved pieces of jewellery with similar costume jewellery now and putting the good stuff away safely and securely.
 
Personal and intimate care

There's a page on personal care with some tips and guidance on this site which also gives some tips on how to do this for someone whilst respecting their privacy and dignity. Tip:  You can purchase Radar keys in the UK so that you can unlock and use disabled toilets. Age UK sell them, as do other organisations.